Making the Decision to Share Your Home

In the May issue of Insight for Caregivers, we looked at some of the issues of family dynamics that come into play when making the decision about having an older loved one live in your home. Read on for more things to consider, and some suggestions for making the new living arrangement work as successfully as possible for everyone in the family.

Your Home and Neighborhood

One of the major considerations in having a loved one who needs care move in with you is the size and layout of your home. Issues of safety, privacy, and convenience need to be considered. Here are some questions to ask:

• Is there a private bedroom available for your loved one?  If not, how will you deal with people's need for privacy?
• Is the bedroom that's available easily accessible?  Can it be reached without climbing stairs?  Is there an outside entrance? 
• What will you do with your loved one's furniture and belongings? Can all of them, or some of them, be incorporated into your household to add a sense of familiarity for the person? What arrangements for storage or sale of unnecessary household goods can be made? 
• Is your home safe for your loved one's current health condition? 
• Even if your loved one has no mobility problems now, is your home adaptable to canes, walkers, or wheelchairs if the need should arise in the future? 
• Is the house in a relatively safe neighborhood, so that your loved one can take walks, get to the bus stop, or visit neighbors?

Finances and Household Chores

Money issues are often the most awkward to talk about. These are some of the questions to ask:

• Are there expectations from your loved one in return for sharing your home? Will he or she have household responsibilities? 
• Do you expect your loved one to pay room and board? To pay for some expenses? Can you afford to have a permanent guest? 
• Will any other family members help out financially?

Remember, if you provide more than half the financial support for a parent, you may be able to claim an additional personal exemption on your federal and state income tax returns.

Family Lifestyle

The way your family lives its common life is an important consideration in deciding whether to share your home. Consider questions like these:

• What effect will having this person living with you have on your social life and that of children and other family members? 
• How will your loved one's social life be affected? Does he/she have friends near where you live?    
• Is your loved one accustomed to a schedule like your household's?  Is he or she willing and able to adapt to the family schedule for mealtimes and other important routine household events, or will changes need to be made? 
• Does he or she have any special dietary needs or restrictions that would affect the household? 
• Does your loved one drive? Have a car? Is he or she willing and able to use public transportation? If not, will he/she depend on you for transportation to the doctor, the store, to see friends? Is that compatible with your schedule?

How to Make It Work

There is no magic formula for making a home run smoothly with two, three, or even four generations under its roof.  There are, however, several strategies that can help:

Identify and follow a set of rules. Decide how members of the family will share such things as household chores, limited bathroom facilities, limited transportation resources, and time. Encourage everyone to get in the habit of respecting what's been agreed to.

Establish a family habit of effective communication. Letting people know what is coming up is always important. For example, if your loved one has scheduled minor out-patient surgery and is looking forward to a quiet weekend to recover, your teenage son will appreciate knowing this ahead of time—before he invites friends over. If you and your spouse are hosting a party that will last late into the evening and perhaps disturb your loved one's rest, he or she might want to spend the night with a friend.

Hold periodic family meetings and post a common family calendar in a conspicuous place. If yours is a particularly large or active family, you may even want to provide each family member with a copy of the weekly calendar, and hold family meetings on a weekly basis.

Work out appropriate financial trade-offs. Having a parent or other loved one live with you can both save that person money and increase the costs of running your household. Specific trade-offs aimed at balancing these costs and benefits can help everyone see the benefit side. It might be reasonable, for example, to ask siblings who would otherwise be helping to pay for a parent’s care to contribute to your household expenses.

Develop and follow a plan. It is reasonable to adopt and follow a plan that places limitations on the commitment by both sides. For example, you, your loved one, and your family may agree to a six-month trial period. Or you, your relative, and your siblings may work out a rotation system that meets everyone’s needs and limitations. Knowing ahead of time that there are limits to what you and others are willing or able to do, and realizing what those limits are, can and should be a part of your planning.

Help your loved one stay active and involved. Perhaps the most important commitment you can make is the resolve to make it possible for your older friend or relative to remain active and involved in a wide range of activities and relationships for as long as possible. This means making arrangements for transportation so that he or she can participate in church or social events. It also means actively encouraging him/her to invite friends into your home for meals or visits. It means involving the person in family discussions of current events and issues or concerns that affect the family.