Is Sharing Your Home with a Senior Loved One the Right Choice?

Part 1 of a 2-Part Series

As your parent or other loved one grows older, you may become concerned about the person's ability to continue to live on their own. Safety hazards in the home, the inability to drive, a changing neighborhood, declining health, loneliness, or other factors may cause your loved one, and you, to consider other options. As one of those options, you may want to offer to share your family home.

Sharing your home can be a delightful, enriching experience for everyone involved, or it can become a very difficult situation, with everyone diminished by the experience. Living in a multigenerational household can be wonderful, but is not for everyone. It is better to say "no" and work toward another more satisfactory living alternative, than to struggle with a situation that simply doesn't fit the person's or your needs and limitations.

Sharing your home will have an impact on everyone in the household—you, a spouse, children, other persons living in the household, and, of course, the older person you'll be caring for. Everyone will have to make adjustments and be a part of making the newly configured household work smoothly. Therefore, everyone needs to be a part of the decision-making process. Together, the family must determine whether this will be a good idea or not. (In this instance, the word "family" includes everyone living with you now whose lives will be affected by this decision.)

Consider Existing Household Challenges

If your family currently has its own significant problems with health, family relations, or other stressful situations, adding another person to the household may make things harder, no matter how much you and your family love that person. You need to decide as a group whether or not you have the emotional energy to take in another person. Of course you will not be able to anticipate all that the future may hold, but careful thinking and planning before you commit yourself may help you to avoid an awkward or unworkable situation.

As you check out your ability and willingness to have your loved one live with you, he or she should be going through a similar evaluation process. This is not a decision to be made in haste. Both you and your older relative should understand and be able to articulate in advance why you think this would be a mutually beneficial arrangement, what you expect from each other, and what you expect from yourselves. In that way, if you decide to live together, each of you knows the other’s feelings.

Examine Family Dynamics

During the decision-making process, consider all the issues. Begin by asking yourself and other family members these questions:

• Is your spouse (or other adult living in the home) willing to have your loved one living in your home?
  
  
• How strong is your marriage or other primary relationship?
  
  
• If you have children living at home, how are they doing generally? Do they enjoy this person? What accommodations will they be expected to make in a homesharing arrangement? 
  
  
• How well do you get along with this person? Are there any old family grievances and disagreements that may resurface? Will you be able to discuss problems that come up between you without undue tension?
  
  
• Do you enjoy spending time with your loved one? Does he/she enjoy time spent with you and your family?
  
  
• Do you or your loved one have any habits that are unacceptable to each other, such as smoking or drinking?
  
  
• How strongly does the person want to come to live with you? Is this option a last resort or a first choice?
  
  
• How much work will having a new household member add to the household tasks? Who will do that additional work? How do other family members feel about sharing the extra work load?
  
  
• What kinds of personal care needs (for example, assistance in dressing, bathing, or grooming) does the person have? How do you and other family members feel about performing those needed services? How does the person feel about receiving that kind of personal help from family? What support services will be available?

These are important questions to answer, for everyone involved. There are no standard right answers which assure a successful match. And it is quite normal for families to find one or more of the questions challenging! The purpose of such questions is not to scare you off, but to help you anticipate problems in advance and prepare for any difficult situations once the decision is made.

Family dynamics aren't the only factor to consider in making this important decision. In the June 2009 issue of Insights for Caregivers, we'll take a look at more questions to consider in making the decision to share your home with your loved one: Are your home and neighborhood appropriate for the person’s needs? What financial questions need to be answered? How might lifestyle issues impact the success of the arrangement? And what are some great ways to help make it work?